Tuesday, August 21, 2007

The passing...

We're back..and some of you didn't even know we were gone...except, perhaps for the lack of posting on the blawg. We went a'cottaging last week, sort of a last hoorah for summer, as now that we've returned, the weather is mighty fall-like and I am loving it.

I sit here sipping an ice cold glass of grape juice, pondering whether I should begin downloading the photos of the cottage, OR ...share with you a mighty fine story that unfurled in true Garrett fashion. I believe the latter will win ..for today.

It was in the evening hours, the dusk was giving way to the darkness, and I sat alone in our white mini van. I had come prepared to this parking lot, awaiting the return of the Hubs, my book in hand. As I sat totally engrossed in my new read, the tears began to flow, it was 'Chicken Soup for the New Mom's Soul'.... and dang, it had me all up in my emotions..lucky for me there was a full box of kleenex still in the van from our trip.

I began telling myself to calm down, I slammed the book shut, upset that it had gotten me in this state with it's,

'...And the mother knew from this moment on, her life was changed, she would give her all and everything and devote her life to this new child..she could feel her heart growing, and saving her child's life was now her main priority as he fought for every breath...'.

My main priority at that given moment was to wipe every tear from my weeping eyes and plaster a good clown sized grin on my face to try to chase away the impending hiccups that come from a good cry. I was worried that as the Hubs was in the chiropractors office, he would unwittingly invite the chiropractors wife to come out to the van as I would surely love to see her. Surely.

I turned the key on the van to get the air moving, and pushed the grill on the blowing vent to point directly at my face...I blasted it onto cold and let the unrelenting tears dry up. Just as I was faced the other way peering at the neighbouring houses' garden..(telling myself I was as HAPPY! as the BIG! PINK! FLOWERS!...The Hubs made his entrance.

He plunked down on his seat with a bright red face and a sheepish look saying 'Well....THAT was embarrassing.' I couldn't wait to hear what could possibly embarrass the man that could find humour in just about anything.

He went on to tell the story.

He was talking to the Chiropractor (Dr. S) and as they were going over pleasantries and discussing the weather, The Hubs mentioned how he's been wanting to drop a few pounds and he has been struggling to do so. The Dr. had a simple solution....eat less.
As they further discussed weight loss and the sluggish effects of extra weight, Dr. S had the Hubs lay down and began his magic. He was pushing and cracking, heaving and ho-ing..then he asked Dwight to sit up.

This is when the Hubs magic began.

As he strained to sit up ...it happened....he had no control. He passed gas in such a way that it (and I quote) "fired out of me".

At this point my tears had changed from sadness to disbelief, I couldn't believe what he was telling me and I made him tell me again and again in more detail. I made him mimic the noise and the Dr's face. The exact sound was crucial to the story...I needed to hear the fleck, the intonnation, the cadence and the rhythm of the toot...Was it explosive? Was it undeniably a ripper? Was it unquestionably a stinker? .... Fortunatley for me, it was all of these and more. The tears flowed, my ribs hurt, and there certainly were deposits of saliva on the interior of the front windshield as he replayed the sound over and over with his mouth.

He said "it was awkward." "I said 'OOPS!' after it let loose, and the Dr. being the ever professional dismissed it and continued talking...." (I'm sure they were no longer discussing 'pleasantries')

I asked why he didn't just hold it in and he replied ' I just couldn't, I didn't even know it was there, then whoops....Boom!... it was so loud it nearly fired through the wall behind me. Oh hun, I need to lose weight, that's just awful....I couldn't even feel it coming....'

I couldn't stop laughing. It was truly just desserts for the man that typically takes pride in his gas and it's passing.


Dana said...

OH MY GOSH! How embarrassing for him! SO FUNNY THOUGH! I have tears......Thanks for the laugh!

Anonymous said...


Our 4 Munchkins...6 pigtales & a buzzcut! said...

I cannot begin to tell you the laughter that has over come me from your blog today. Jen told me the story over the phone first but...this was even better. I can only imagine and I too would need to know all the details of everything. Poor Dwight..Thanks for the chuckles, that was great.

Coach J said...

that is HILARIOUS!!! Poor guy...

Pam said...

Oh, that was FUNNY! Do you know what my daughter did one day in the chiropractor's office? My son was getting an adjustment, and I was telling Dr. B how well Phoebe was doing with potty training, when suddenly I heard splashing, and look over to see Phoebe making a puddle on the floor.

She has been wearing pull-ups there ever since...and may until she is about 10 years old.