Friday, November 24, 2006

The Beast ...Part 1

Had a great idea this morning. It went something like this 'I'm gonna finish my Christmas shopping today, I'm awesome, I can do it, I love myself.' Then I coughed and sneezed and nearly wet myself... but that's another story for another day.

Whatever part of my brain it was, that whispered to my hands, legs, fingers and wallet, to 'go,...go shopping...,you can do it,'re awesome' needs to be removed. It's not functioning, and it's not holding any responsible purpose up there any longer.

It was a PD day today. Did you know that and not warn me? If you did ...please leave me your name and address and you just be ready for a letter from my lawyer. This is being filed under 'abuse' or 'neglecting to mention something that would have saved one's sanity'

Lemme 'break it down' for you:

*Didn't want to bring my stroller as it currently needs a scrub down from the summer months of regular farm the country song goes .....'a little mud on the tires' ...'cept mine's poop. Of the cow and fly varieties. SOooo I decided to rent one of those snazzy mall carts with the BIG baskets....I WAS finishing my Christmas shopping after all. I was forced to park in the "Back 40" lot, you know the one...where the garden centre is typically set up in the summer months....approximately 2 kilometers from the closest available door. Not complaining....I could use the exercise so I huffed and puffed my way to the care centre where the strollers are. After giving my information and signing off on a waiver that holds me to not throwing my stroller off the balcony, or doing wheelies in the parking lot, the paperwork was all said and done. The receptionist looked at me with a certain gleam in her eye....(not a twinkle, definitely a gleam) she went to the back and came out saying 'Now I have to warn you..'
(Okay, that saying can never be good. Particularly when the sentence involves a baby and a stroller. ) "this is the only one we have left ...and it's a teeny bit squeaky.' I looked at her and said 'Oh that's no problem at all...' and really..I didn't care if it had a squeaky wheel, I was just so happy to put Ashlyn down and get shoppin'...woo hoo!
I got her strapped in and the diaper bag loaded up, and we were good to go. Good to go through THE MOST HUMILIATING mall experience EVER! ....this was no 'squeaky wheel' folks. This stroller had been pushed to Arizona and back with no tune ups. All four wheels screamed at the thought of having to go an inch further, they were barely holding on..I tried lifting the back wheels and just pushing on the fronts, but it was no use, the more pressure I put on the fronts, the more they cried out ' LOOK AT US, LOOK AT THE PAIN WE'RE IN ....EEEEEEEKKKKKKK' they'd even throw in a wiggle now and then, a crazed little hobble, Ashlyn was waving her hands in the air like she was on some kind of roller coaster. She began imitating the horrid, little, 4 wheeled beast. "EEEEEKKKK..." she'd shrill throughout the mall, while waving her arms wildly.

It went something like this....
No do that really quickly and really loudly over and over.

It was a sight to behold. I know all the other moms had to be feeling compassion and they were trying to look without staring at the 3-ring circus. they were all so thankful in that moment they saw us...the beast, the wild child and I ...the blushing, big mama. I made them feel better about themselves. 'Wow' they thought...'Poor lady, having to rent a stroller and all...' I wanted to scream...'I have 3 strollers and a wagon at home, you know. Could'a had the pick of the litter, but NOOoo, had to have the great idea that THIS would somehow be more convenient....'

I made my way squeeling through the mall and decided I could no longer put up with the glares, stares, and outright guffaws....I made my way back to the care center to see if someone had dropped off a silent no avail.

The only place you couldn't hear the beast was in the food court, as insanely busy as it was, and that being the very place I had planned to we hobbled our way down....

To be Continued....

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